Unfiltered: Things You Tell Yourself When You Fall, Get Up and Move On
More than three months ago I lost my job. I have a wife and two kids.
You bet I fell. Hard.
It hurt. My ego. My pride. The whole of me throbbed as though I had been hit by a bus.
I cried. I worried. I cursed the company that bought my former employer, a move that led to the mass layoff of which I was a part. I thought too much about the future, one that now seemed to be plagued with hopelessness and insecurity.
My company did hire me back on a temp basis, as an independent contractor. That helped to soften the blow. At least for the short term I could make some money, even if I no longer had benefits. Still, the apprehension I had towards the future remained.
Along the way from shock to my present state, I began to recover. I went on long walks to clear my head. I meditated. I prayed. I took stock of all I am grateful for and all the opportunities I still have at my disposal.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a long way from where I still want to be. I know that I still need to grow, especially as I continue to look for work and take life day-by-day. But I’m getting there.
Now at this point, most bloggers and writers would give you an itemized list on how to recover from failure, rejection and loss. Such writings mirror the five stages of grief, which admittedly I have been through and will continue to endure. Rather than generate another run-of-the-mill advice column on what you should do to recover from a failure in life and why, I want to offer an unfiltered view of the thoughts I experienced so far. Most occurred within the recesses of my mind. Some I screamed, others were offered in prayer. All are mine, a glimpse into the process of me trying to cope with a life-altering event, one that has worsened my current circumstances yet has solidified my resolve to walk away from this loss as a better, wiser soul.
Here are a handful of those thoughts, unfiltered:
F*&k! F*&k! F*&k! F*&k! F*&k! F*&k! F*&k! (Not sure if Medium censors such language so I did just in case; nonetheless, you get the picture.)
What the hell am I going to do?
This is so unfair.
I hate this company.
Now what?
What am I going to tell my wife?
What about our finances?
I need a job.
I’m tired of this rat race.
I’m going to apply now.
Five jobs applied to in an hour. I’m on fire.
Five more applications sent. Something’s gotta happen.
At least I have more time to spend with my kids.
Why aren’t they calling?
What’s wrong with my resume? (Or with me?)
This sucks.
I really hate this.
I need a break.
Dear God, please help me.
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
I can’t help myself.
I feel lost.
Hopeless.
I need a change.
I need to change.
I gotta come away from this a better person. I don’t want to wait until I get a job to feel better about myself. I have to improve myself now.
I have to be better than this.
I am better than this.
I am better.
That last thought occurred to me just now, over three months from when I was let go from my company. I am in a better state mentally and emotionally because I allowed myself to forgive my being for my current circumstances. All the self-reflection I did led me to realize that the storm will pass. The realization was further helped by the fact that some positives emerged from the loss. The bulk of the decision-making I used to do has been shifted to others, relieving me of some of the professional stress I used to endure. I am also able to work from home, which always me to spend more time with my family and avoid the gridlock that often occurs on the freeways of Southern California. Then there is a renewed sense of hope as I re-dedicate myself to my shelved-but-not-forgotten career as a novelist.
You may have cycled through your own stages of grief and loss much like I have. For you, it may also have been over a job. Or a significant other. Or a business. Whatever your fall from grace, I share my internal doubts and curses to show that it is OK to fall and get up, because with each stumble we have an opportunity — however painful or doubtful it is to admit — to grow and develop. Or as I recently concluded, to be better.
By the way, in full disclosure, I find my thoughts occasionally return to those original curses and doubts that surfaced right after my job loss. I don’t profess to be perfect at this stage in my life (or any, for that matter). That’s OK for now, though. For I press on. I continue to trudge forward. All in the belief that I am getting better.
